Bittersweet
I don't really like bittersweet emotions. In fact, I don't really want any kind of emotion that isn't happy... I guess.
Lately, I've been feeling... Off. Emotionally. I force comedies and laughs into my soul through tv and movies in hope for levity. It's been scarce sometimes. Even more so I avoid most things that could possibly bring out tears from me. I'm a crier. I've been one my whole life and sometimes it just gets old, even for me. We choose our happiness, right?
But with avoiding negative emotions comes a kind of unexplainable distance from myself. From creativity. It's like if I try not to feel sadness, I push all other emotions away too. That heart-racing excitement from reading something that ignites, sparks, fills my heart with ideas. Feelings. I've realized I miss that. I miss it. Feeling awake. It's that state where everything is beautiful and heartbreaking in the same picture. It's that tear that rolls down your cheek with the string of those heavenly guitar chords.
I just read a book about music, then one about art. Then I watched a movie about illness and love. They are the types of things I tried to shy away from but turns out they're exactly what I've been craving. The emotions. Heck, that sadness. The feeling of all the unfairness in this world and the beauty with which people are able to handle it all. This feeling is what moves me to write. To learn and grow and understand. I used to think the sadness was a dark place. But also a place of comfort - somewhere familiar. I did my best not to stay there. The self-pity, the isolation. The hiding. Even though it seems like it's the safest option, sometimes that place of safety becomes the unsafest place. It's the place where no one can get to you. No one can hurt you. No one can love you. No one can know you. And worst of all it's the place where your wonder fades and your sparkling soul goes grey.
But sometimes sadness isn't darkness. Sometimes the sadness is the rose coloured tint that shines across our screens in that bittersweet moment when the main character smiles in the middle of their heartbreak. Sometimes those tears are words finally expressing themselves. And that moving song with those compelling chords is what gets our heart to fill with enough emotion to get up the courage and take the steps that have been daunting us.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I kind of like this place. This emotional state. It helps to remind me that I want to have a hand in creating my own thing that can move and inspire others. We shouldn't be afraid of feelings, we should be afraid of not using them. Every emotion pent up is an emotion wasted. Relatability is one of the world's hottest commodities and that's because we are all addicted to it. If it's not relatable we're often not interested. And emotions? Feelings? Well, those are the most relatable things we could ever use. They flow like energy rivers through us all, connecting us deeper than we realise. So, I'm not afraid anymore. I'm excited. I'm excited to feel because as they say... That means that you're alive.
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THE PLUG CORNER
• Do yourself a favour and watch Five Feet Apart.
• Also, the book that got me thinking about art is called I'll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson. It's a beautiful book about love, being gay and detailed descriptions of creating beautiful art and the emotions behind it all.
Lately, I've been feeling... Off. Emotionally. I force comedies and laughs into my soul through tv and movies in hope for levity. It's been scarce sometimes. Even more so I avoid most things that could possibly bring out tears from me. I'm a crier. I've been one my whole life and sometimes it just gets old, even for me. We choose our happiness, right?
But with avoiding negative emotions comes a kind of unexplainable distance from myself. From creativity. It's like if I try not to feel sadness, I push all other emotions away too. That heart-racing excitement from reading something that ignites, sparks, fills my heart with ideas. Feelings. I've realized I miss that. I miss it. Feeling awake. It's that state where everything is beautiful and heartbreaking in the same picture. It's that tear that rolls down your cheek with the string of those heavenly guitar chords.
I just read a book about music, then one about art. Then I watched a movie about illness and love. They are the types of things I tried to shy away from but turns out they're exactly what I've been craving. The emotions. Heck, that sadness. The feeling of all the unfairness in this world and the beauty with which people are able to handle it all. This feeling is what moves me to write. To learn and grow and understand. I used to think the sadness was a dark place. But also a place of comfort - somewhere familiar. I did my best not to stay there. The self-pity, the isolation. The hiding. Even though it seems like it's the safest option, sometimes that place of safety becomes the unsafest place. It's the place where no one can get to you. No one can hurt you. No one can love you. No one can know you. And worst of all it's the place where your wonder fades and your sparkling soul goes grey.
But sometimes sadness isn't darkness. Sometimes the sadness is the rose coloured tint that shines across our screens in that bittersweet moment when the main character smiles in the middle of their heartbreak. Sometimes those tears are words finally expressing themselves. And that moving song with those compelling chords is what gets our heart to fill with enough emotion to get up the courage and take the steps that have been daunting us.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I kind of like this place. This emotional state. It helps to remind me that I want to have a hand in creating my own thing that can move and inspire others. We shouldn't be afraid of feelings, we should be afraid of not using them. Every emotion pent up is an emotion wasted. Relatability is one of the world's hottest commodities and that's because we are all addicted to it. If it's not relatable we're often not interested. And emotions? Feelings? Well, those are the most relatable things we could ever use. They flow like energy rivers through us all, connecting us deeper than we realise. So, I'm not afraid anymore. I'm excited. I'm excited to feel because as they say... That means that you're alive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PLUG CORNER
• Do yourself a favour and watch Five Feet Apart.
• Also, the book that got me thinking about art is called I'll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson. It's a beautiful book about love, being gay and detailed descriptions of creating beautiful art and the emotions behind it all.
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